An Easterner had always dreamed of owning his own cattle ranch, and finally made enough money to buy himself the spread of his dreams in Wyoming. “So what did you name the ranch?” asked his best friend when he flew out to visit. “We had an awful time,” admitted the new cowboy. “Couldn’t agree on anything. We finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch.” “Wow!” His friend was impressed. “So where are all the cows?” “None of them survived the branding.”
A father had two little twin boys. One was an eternal optimist while the other was a doom-and-gloom pessimist. The father decided that the boys’ attitudes needed an adjustment, so when their birthday came, he put tons of new games and toys in the pessimistic boy’s room but filled the optimistic boy’s room with horse manure. When the father passed by the pessimistic boy’s room, he saw that the boy was crying. “Why are you crying?!” exclaimed the father. “Because with all these new toys, my friends will get jealous, I have to read all these instructions before I can set up the games, I’ll constantly need to be buying new batteries, and eventually the toys are bound to break,” sobbed the boy. When the father then passed by the optimistic boy’s room, he saw that the boy was jumping with joy and laughter. “Why are you so happy?!” exclaimed the father. “Well,” shouted the optimistic boy, “with all this pooh in here, there has got to be a pony in here somewhere!”
Dear God: Please send a new baby for Mommy. The new baby you sent last week cries too much. Debbie, 7
Dear God: How many angels are there in heaven? I would like to be the first kid in my class to know the answer. Norma, 8
Dear God: This is my prayer. Could you please give my brother some brains. So far he doesn’t have any. Angela, 8
Dear Lord: Thank you for the nice day today. You even fooled the TV weather man. Hank, 7
Dear God: Please bring me a new brother. The one I got socks me all the time. Agnes, 6
Dear God: Please help me is school. I need help in spelling, adding, history, geography and writing. I don’t need help in anything else. Lois, 9
Dear God; I am saying my prayers for me and my brother, Billy, because Billy is six months old and he can’t do anything but sleep and wet his diapers. Diane, 8
Two close friends, Jim and Bob, are huge baseball fans. Unfortunately, as a result of an accident Bob passes away in the prime of his life. A few weeks later, Jim wakes up to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.
“Is that really you, Bob?” asks Jim.
“Yes,” comes the voice, “it’s me.”
“So tell me, Bob, how is the afterlife?”
“Well,” comes the voice, “it’s not that great. Actually I have some bad news for you.”
“What’s wrong? Isn’t there baseball in the afterlife?”
“Well, yes,” comes the voice, “there is baseball.”
“So what’s the bad news?” wonders Jim.
“Well, like I said, there is baseball,” replied Bob, “and as a matter of fact – you are scheduled to pitch tomorrow night.”
Three men arrive at the gates of heaven. St. Peter comes out to greet them and says: “listen, we are getting pretty full up here in heaven, so I can only let one of you in. Here’s what we’ll do. Each of you tell me how you died and I’ll let the one with the most interesting story in.”
St. Peter takes the first man aside and the first man says: “here’s what happened. I was suspecting that my wife was cheating on me. So I came home early one day. I come into our fourth floor apartment and I see that my wife is in the shower. But I can just sense that there is another man in the apartment. So I search for him. I look everywhere – in the closet, under the bed, in the kitchen – nothing. Finally, I go out onto the balcony and sure enough, there is a guy wearing only a pair of underwear hanging off the balcony. I was so angry that I started to stomp on his fingers. He finally let go and fell, but there were some bushes below. I could tell he was still alive. So I grabbed the refrigerator and threw it down on top of him. But when I did that, I lost my footing and fell. That’s how I died.”
“I see,” says St. Peter. Then, he takes the second man aside. The second man says: “I live on the fifth story of this apartment building. I was just doing some yoga on my balcony, the way I always do, when I suddenly slipped and fell over. Luckily, I was able to grab onto the fourth floor balcony. Just then, this crazy man runs out and starts stomping on my fingers. I couldn’t let go and fell. Luckily, there were some bushes below. But then this crazy man threw a refrigerator on top of me and that killed me.”
“I see,” says St Peter. Finally, he takes the third man aside. The third man says: “I was being intimate with this woman when she suddenly says: ‘my husband is here! Quick – hide!’ So I hid in the first place I could think of – the refrigerator.’
Author – Unknown.